Through The Looking Glass Parody!
by XNatzX
Summary: Parody of the season 3 finale part one atm This is the result of a couple of bored, silly and unsatisfied teenage fangirls....enjoy! xx more to come!
1. Chapter 1

_**(Ok, so after seeing the season finale part one and being majorly bored in a hotel room with my sister (Jemmz) we rewrote a humorous parody. A little immature, swearing included but hope you like it…..x )**_

_**also, the N and J in the text is to tell you readers who's writing what. When it is N it is me writing it and when it's J it's my sister.**_

_**N **_

_Jack is balancing a glass on his face obviously bored. He's sitting on a plane and is drunk off his face-which is hairy…_

_A stewardess walks by telling people to do up their seat belts._

_**Jack: **_Can I have another one of these, please??

_He asks rudely and stares at the stewardess in a drunken haze._

_**Stewardess: **_Sir, we're landing in-Holy hell! You're face!! What the hell is wrong with you?! Oh let me guess, you're wife divorced you and now you're a complete mess, you drink every freakin' night and drive around until 3 in the morning…you disgust me, sir! You're pathetic!

_The stewardess spits in Jack's face._

_**Stewardess: **_I'll get you another drink…

_Jack cries loudly and tries to read a newspaper but he fumbles with it and throws it to the floor. There is slight turbulence._

_**J**_

_**Jack: **_HOLY SHIT! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! YAAAY!!

_An elderly woman looks over at Jack._

_**Elderly woman: **_Everything's gonna be fine, Jack.

_**Jack: **_Wtf?

_The woman disappears_

_**Jack: **_Interesting…..

_Jack is driving and singing in his crappy car_

_**Jack: **_My life sucks, it sucks so much, it really sucks to be meee!

_Jack starts to cry_

_**Jack: **_Fuck this

_He turns on the radio and pulls over the car_

_**Radio: **_"Local Mancunian band Driveshaft have made a breakthrough with their new single 'You All Everybody.'"

_Jack lets out a cry of anguish_

_**Jack: **_UGH! NO! That band suck!

_As Jack cries the radio starts to play 'You All Everybody'_

_**Jack: **_AGHHH!

_He pulls out the radio, gets out the car and throws it off the bridge. He breathes heavily but becomes disturbed when he hears the tune playing from a nearby shop._

_**Jack: **_NOOOO! Goodbye cruel world!

_Jack jumps of the bridge but lands on John Locke_

_**Jack: **_Damn you old man! I wanted to die!

_**John: **_Oh….my legs….

_**-End Flashback-**_

* * *

_**N**_

_Jack watches everybody say goodbye._

_**Jack: **_Wish I had somebody to say goodbye to.

_**Bernard: **_I am a dentist, not Rambo.

_**Sawyer: **_No shit Sherlock.

_**Sun:**_ Please hajama don't hajama go hajama, Jin-soo!

_**Jin: **__sadly Hajama (I have to)_

_**Sun: **_FINE BITCH! …….Hajama.

_**Jin: **_in English QUIT YO' JIBBA JABBA! I ain't no bitch!

_Everyone stares at Jin._

_**Jack: **_Okay, for the sake of the plot line and to make it so I don't have to be assed to sort that out I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that..

_**Danielle: **_Okay, let's do this homies!

_**Jack: **_Hey! That's my line!

_**Danielle: **_Line?

_**Jack: **_Okay, let's do this…er..homies.

_The group set off on their journey, Danielle and Jack nudging each other in the lead. _

* * *

_**LOST**_

* * *

_The group walks along the rocks towards their destination. Jack sings annoyingly._

_**Jack: **_Come on everybody! We're all going on a-Summer holiday!

_**Naomi: **_Jack, for the sake of everyone in the group, to stop you from singing can I ask you something?

_**Jack: **_Ok. I'm free on Thursday nights.

_**Naomi: **_Er…no. I was gonna ask you: What were you before you became Moses?

_**Jack: **_Jesus Christ!

_**Naomi: **_…Jesus?

_**Jack: **_Yeah, what the heck's up with your voice?? It sounds like you have a permanent cough! You need a drink or something? Medicine? Inhaler?

_**Naomi: **_Not cool dude.

_**Hurley: **_Hey, that's my line!

_**Danielle: **_Line?

_**Naomi: **_Anywho, I need to show you how to use my really cool, futuristic, walkie talkie phone thing.

_**Jack: **_Mmmm'kay.

_Naomi starts to explain how to use her phone radio thing while Jack gets distracted by daydreaming._

_**Jack: **__I Wonder if she'll do a funny dance if I ask her….but would that mean she'd upstage m?. No. No one can ever upstage you, Jack. You're too awesome. _

_**Naomi: **_Understand?

_**Jack: **_Huh? Yeah….go underwater, follow the cable, flick the switch and swim back up.

_**Naomi: ….**_Okay, never mind. We just need this light to flash green. Which will happen any time now, right?

_Jack glances at her and looks hesitant as he shifts his eyes nervously._

_**Jack: **_Yeah…er…surrrrre...

* * *

_**-The Hatch-**_

**J**

_Charlie is hit in the face hard. _

_**Charlie: **_Bloody hell, woman! You been working out??

_The blonde woman, Bonnie, glares._

_**Greta: **_If you tell us why you're here we won't hurt you.

_Charlie ignores the brunette woman and turns to the blonde woman._

_**Charlie: **_Can I have your phone number?

_Charlie gets punched._

_**Charlie: **_Guess that's a no…

_Bonnie goes to hit him again._

_**Charlie: **_WAIT! I'll tell you! I'm supposed to be………doing something…

_Charlie gets punched again._

_**Bonnie: **_He's one of them!

_**Greta: **_The evil Gnomes?

**_Bonnie: _**No..

_**Greta: **_The evil hobbits?

_**Charlie: **_Close!

_**Greta: **_You're no ordinary Gnome/Hobbit are you……

_**Bonnie: **_GRAGHH!

_She punches Greta._

_**Charlie: **_I like her!

_**Bonnie: **_I'm calling Ben!

_**Charlie: **_Sod it! The hot ones are always taken! _-sulks-_

_**Bonnie: **_Ben! Ben!? He's not responding….Love God come in!

_**Ben: **_Love God receiving message! What up, girl?

_**Bonnie: **_Soz, we used the radio but one of Them is down here!

_**Ben: **_The evil Gnomes?

_**Bonnie: **_No!

_**Ben: **_The evil Hobbits??

_**Charlie: **_Close!

_**Ben: **_…..Who's that?

_**Greta: **_He won't tell us.

_**Charlie: **_Actually you never asked. Tell him it's Merry and I think he's the scum of all evil!

_-Bonnie punches Charlie-_

_**Charlie: **_You're a bitch. I like you.

_**Ben: **__-Gasps- _How did he know about that hatch??

_**Charlie: **_Jules told me! She's one of us hobbits now! We're like this! _–thumps chest-_

_**Ben: **_My God, stay cool. I'll sort everything out.

_Ben turns the radio off and calls to Mikhail_

_**Ben: **_MIKHAIL! Get down to the The Looking Glass hatch and find out what the hell Meriadoc Brandy- I mean Charlie Pace is doing down there!

_**Mikhail: **_But can't I just I.M. them?

_**Ben: **__-sighs- _Fine.

_**Mickail-Patcy. has signed in**_

_**Mikhail: **__What up bro?_

_**Charlie: **__My one eyed bud! Wuu2?_

_**Mikhail: **__Nuthin' Much. So wuu2?_

_**Charlie: **__Getting beat up by the hot blonde._

_**Mikhail: **__Lol. So why're you down there anyways? _

_**Message Could Not Be Received **_

_**Mikhail: **_Damn _–runs away- _

* * *

_**Ben: **_Love God to Ryan. Come in Ryan! _–no reply- _Damn!

_**Ryan: **_Alrighty, walkies off? Good. Then let the movie begin!

_The A Team theme appears._

_**Random Guy: **_Erm….boss? Shouldn't we be checking the tents?

_**Ryan: **_shh! Mr. T's speaking!

_**Mr. T: **_I pity this fool!

_**Ryan: **_Bwahahahahaha! Pure genius!

_There is a loud explosion and the group jump in shock._

_**Ryan: **_ZOMG!

_**Bernard: **_Please Jebus! _–shoots-_

_**-BOOM-**_

_Jin shoots but misses._

_**Jin: **__-curses- _Hajama!

_Jin gets shot at. He goes all Rambo and pulls a grenade from his teeth._

_**Jin: **_HAJAMA!!!!!!!!

_It doesn't work and he's hit over the head. _

_**Ryan: **_Ah got yo' man! Ah pity this fool! _Mr. T's a genius…_

_**Bernard: **__EEK! _

_Bernard is grabbed._

_**Sayid: **_N0o0o0o0o0o! _–raises gun-_

_**Another Random Guy: **_Sayid, this is not the way.

_**Sayid: **_Wha?

_**Another Random Guy: **__KARATE CHOP! –hits Sayid- _Mwahaha! HI-5!

_The three are tied up and sat down. _

* * *

_**N**_

_**Tom: **_Ben, Ben come in! Love God!

_**Ben: **_Love God receiving you. –_grin and wink-_

_**Tom: **_THEY'RE ALL DEAD! THEY KILLED THEM ALL! N000000!

_**Ben: **_Wtf?

_**Tom: **_Jarrah, Kwon and the dentist blew up seven of us! Everyone else is gone!

_**Ben: **_SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! Where the frick is Juliet?!

_**Tom: **_Dunno.

_-silence-_

_**Ben: **_ASK THEM!

_**Tom: **_Oh ok…where's Juliet?

_**Sayid: **_Don't tell them anything! _–gets hit- _OW! Dude, not cool!

_**Tom: **_They ain't telling us nuthin'

_**Ben: **_You mean they aren't telling you anything.

_**Tom: **_Eh?

_**Ben: **_It's proper English, Tom.

_**Tom: **_But I'm Canadian…I think.

_**Ben: **_Nevermind..kill Kwon.

_**Tom: **_Wha?

_**Ben: **_Kill the 'Hajama' guy.

_**Tom: **_But I thought we only pretended to kill people.

_**Ben: **__PFFFT. _Kill him, Dumbass.

_**Tom: **_Mmm'kay. You! Random guy! Kill him! _–points at Jin-_

_**Bernie: **_N0O0O0O0O!

_**Sayid: **_Don't tell them anything! _–gets hit- _Oh for the love of-!

_-tenses on gun-_

_**Bernie: **_Please don't!

_**Tom: **_Tell us where your people are!

_**Sayid: **_No, don't- _-gets hit- _J-sus C-rist!

_**Jesus: **_Yes?

**Jin: **HAJAMA?!

_**Sayid: **_erm….go away?

_**Jesus: **_Hokay, don't commit any sins while I'm gone!

_**Tom: **_Nah, only murder.

_**Jesus: **__Mmm'kay. Bye bye now. –disappears-_

_**Ryan: **_dude….

_**Bernie: **_They've gone to the radio tower!

_**Sayid: **_Oh you TADDLE TAIL!!!

_**Tom: **_Why the heel have they gone there?!

_**Bernie: **_There was this woman…I think it was a woman. She had a helicopter and a funky phone thing. They went to transmit something or other to her boat or whatever so we can , like, get off this gnarly island.

_**Tom: **_Wait…how did you know we were coming tonight? Juliet didn't even know…

_**Sayid: **_Don't tell- _-gets hit- _God DAMN it!

_**Bernie: **_There was this kid. God he stank of B.O!

_**Tom: **_What kid?

_**Bernie: **_Kyle…No Karl…No Kyle…CARTMAN! _–gets hit- _Ow….It was Karl. Yup.

_**Tom: **_I see…

_Jin thinks he hasn't spoken in a while…_

_**Jin: **_HAJAMA! _–gets hit-_ Hajama…

**J**

_**Tom: **_Ben, what in babalon?!

_**Ben: **_Juliet betrayed us, Tom. That's what in babalon.

_**Tom: **_What a bitch.

_**Ben: **_Indeed. I'll deal with it. _–radio off- _I'm going now.

_-Nobody pays attention-_

_**Ben: **_I said I'm going. It's a long and dangerous journey to find Jack and his merry folk of crash survivors. Fresh meat!

_-no one cares-_

_**Alex: **_I'll come!

_**Ben: **_Erm. Hokay, why?

_**Alex: **_Karl said he got me a present!

_**Ben: **_That sneaky bastard…I mean uh..ok. Let's go!

_**TO BE CONTINUED….**_

(_**Immature enough:P Hope you enjoyed that. There is more to come. We may make part two though it is kind of a depressing episode. R+R! )**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**(So here's the next chapter of part one of TTLG parody :P We don't own anything…apart from the words…unless you count Microsoft word owning them for some reason….whatever -you know the drill!)**_

_**J**_

_The hiking group stare at the explosions that had fired with shocked and confused expressions._

_**Rose: **_Holy frick, look at the colours! Weren't there supposed to be three explosions?

_**Jack: **__-shifty eyes- _Maybe….

_**Sun: **_God DAMN it!

**N**

_**-Jack's flash. The hospital-**_

_A male nurse is finishing Jack's stitches._

_**Nurse: **_Alrighty, there ya go dawg!

_**Jack: **__-Glares-_ I could have done it myself, you know! I'm a Doctor!

_**Nurse: **_Honey, we know you a doctor! We also know you threw ya'll self off a bridge!

_**Jack: **_Touché. How's the old man? You know the old guy I landed on causing him outrageous pain?

_**Nurse: **_Oh he doomed! He paralysed fo' life fooel!

_**Jack: **_Oh shit. Not again…

_**-Flashback-**_

_Jack is falling off a bridge. _

_**Jack: **_NO0O0O0O! Goodbye cruel worl-

_Jack lands on somebody._

_**Random Guy: **_OH MY GOD! YOU'VE PARALYSED ME! YOU JACKASS!

_**Jack: **_Oh SHIT! I'm really- Oh wait…How did you know my name??

_**-End flashback-**_

_**Jack: **_Yep. That was a flashback in a flashback….OR WAS IT??!?!!_–grins and winks-_

_**Nurse: **_Okay, I don't know whatchu talkin' bout. But I'll be back to check on ya'll later, Doctor Jack! _–winks- _

_On his way out the nurse bumps in to Sarah (--) _

_**Nurse: **_Scuse me, miss. HOLY CRAP! Yo' stomach is as big as a bulldozer, honey! That's gonna be like pushing a gorilla out!! …..Have a nice day _-Leaves-_

_**Jack: **_Sarah….wha…wtf?

_**Sarah: **_Hello…_Jack_…if that is your real name!

_**Jack: **_Huh? What the hell are you doing here?

_**Sarah: **_I'm pregnant and I just came to rub your face in it! _–dances with difficulty- _Nananana! Agh! My back!

_**Jack: **_…..Bitch.

_**-end flash-**_

**J**

_**Kate: **__-Freaks out- _It didn't work! Your plan didn't freakin work! How'd ya feel about that Jack?!

_**Jack: **_JUST CALM DOWN, YA'LL! It's emotional! And there's pressure! _–wounded look- _Your husbands will be hunky dory! And if they aren't let's take relief in knowing their lives didn't half as suck as mine does! Like, live together die alo-

_-Jack gets punched-_

_**Rose: **_He was annoying me….

_**-The Hatch-**_

_Charlie swivels in chair. _

_**Bonnie: **_stop that! _–slaps-_

_**Charlie: **__-Grins stupidly-_

_**Greta: **_You gonna tell us why you're here, dog?

_**Charlie: **_Possibly, if I get to keep your hot friend…

_**Greta: **_Deal.

_Bonnie punches Greta and turns to Charlie._

_**Bonnie: **_Tell us, Dumbass.

_**Charlie: **_Hokay. I, the almighty Charlie, am here to turn off your jamming equipment.

_**Bonnie:**_ Lol. Okay then, what's the code?

_**Charlie:**_ Fuck! There's a code?!

_**Greta:**_ Yarr

_**Charlie:**_ Shit! What is it??

_**Bonnie:**_ That's for me to know and you never to find out!

_**Charlie:**_ _-blinks-_ Tell me!

_**Bonnie:**_ No!

_**Charlie:**_ _-eyes wide-_ Please!?!?

_**Bonnie:**_ Nah

_**Charlie:**_ Not even a little hint?

_-Bonnie punches Charlie-_

_**-Desmond on the boat-**_

_Desmond slowly wakes up._

_**Desmond: **__-groans- _What the fuzz?

_He finds the note that Charlie left and reads it._

'_I went down dumbass. Cause I rock, K? Don't steal my thunder, eedjut!'_

_Desmond looks confused and serious. He holds his cheek and looks down in to the water. _

_**Desmond: **__-shrugs- _Hmm. Okay what's for dinner?

_**-Bang Bang Bang!-**_

_Desmond screams like a girl._

_**Desmond: **_I'll throw me haggis atchya!

_**-Bang Bang Bang!-**_

(T'is Mikhail)

_**Desmond: **__-looks at water- _Going dowwwwwwwwn!

_Desmond dives in, follows the rope in to the hatch and finds an opening. _

_He gasps for breath. _

_**Charlie: **__-spins around- _What the hell, Des?! I told you not to come down ere, lyke!

_**Desmond: **_Bloody hell Charlie! You look awful!

_**Charlie: **_Ta very much, ponce! What the bloody hell are you doing here?!

_**Desmond: **_Some bloody one eyed bloke was bloody shooting at me!

_**Charlie: **_That bloody scum!

_**Desmond: **_Can I bloody ask ya something, brutha?

_**Charlie: **_If ya bloody want to.

_**Desmond: **_Why do we keep saying '_Bloody'_?

_**Charlie: **_'Cause it makes us typically British and it's the only swear word we can say on American TV

_**Desmond: **_Fair enough..

_-they hear a noise-_

_**Charlie: **_Des! There are people! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide!Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide!

_**Desmond: **_ALRIGHT! I get the picture!

_Desmond quickly hides._

_**Bonnie: **_Who are you talking to?!

_**Charlie: **_Just my imaginary friend Peter. He's a fan of Driveshaft! _–sings- _You All Everybody! You All-

_**Bonnie: **_GARGH! That band SUCK! _–punches-_

* * *

_Jack and the group are getting water._

_Claire seems worried._

_**Hurley: **_Charlie's gonna be fine. Peter's with him.

_**Claire: **_Oh, I know.

_**Kate: **_Something smells fishy…

_**Sawyer: **_Oh sorry. Not had a shower in-

_**Kate: **_No, not you! Back at camp! Something's wrong! The dudes at the beach should have caught up with us by now.

_**Sawyer: **_Nothing new there then….

_**Kate: **_What I'm saying is….I love you.

_**Sawyer: **_Course you do, Kate.

_**Kate: **_What's that supposed to mean?!

_**Sawyer: **_It means…you love everybody.

_**Kate: **_But I might be pregnant, jerk!

_**Sawyer: **_Oh shizz….

_**Jack: **_Okay everybody! STFU and let's go!

_-Jack sees Naomi-_

_**Jack: **_Still red?

_**Naomi: **_Yep.

_**Jack: **_crap.

* * *

_**-In The Hatch-**_

_**Charlie:**_ -sings- I just want you to know who I am! I just want you to-

_**Bonnie:**_ AGH! STFU!!!

_**Charlie:**_ Love, I can't help it. I love to sing! –Swivels in chair- You all everybody!

_**Bonnie:**_ I'm getting the spear gun!

_**Greta:**_ Oh….why?

_**Bonnie:**_ I want it to hurt.

_**Charlie:**_ YAY! Free excruciating pain!!

-Bonnie walks over to Desmond's hiding place to get the gun-

**N**

_**Charlie:**_ NOoOoOoOoOoOoOo!! That's….um…Peter's hiding place! _-in serious voice_ - Peter will be angry…

_-Bonnie glares- _

_-Mikhail surfaces-_

_**Greta:**_ WTF? MIKHAIL??

_**Mikhail:**_ Ben said you two pissed off to California…

_**Bonnie:**_ Ben says a lot of things….Like he'll call you and then never does! –Pouts-

**J**

_**Charlie:**_ Hi again!

_**Mikhail**_: Where's the other one?

_**Bonnie:**_ Wha?

_**Mikhail:**_ This eedjut had a friend that just swam down when I shot at him.

_**Charlie:**_ MWAHAHAHA! I mean…Whatchu talking about?!

_**Ben (from radio): **_Love God here, do you read me??

_**Charlie:**_ -happily- Ben!

-Bonnie punches Charlie….again-

_**Mikhail:**_ I'll get it..

_**Ben:**_ Come in homies!!

_**Mikhail:**_ It's Mikhail.

_**Ben:**_ Hiya hun!

_**Mikhail:**_ Why did you lie about the hatch Ben?

_**Ben:**_ I lie about a lot of things…Like saying I'll call you and then never do! –grins and winks-

_**Mikhail:**_ You're a little bitch, aren't you!?

_**Ben:**_ Look, I'm sorry. I should have told you! But it was for your own good. I made a mistake.

_**Mikhail:**_ Really?

_**Ben:**_ Yes, by letting you go. I love you Mikhail.

_**Mikhail:**_ Ben, now isn't the time. What do we do about the Hobbit?

_**Ben:**_ Mikhail, this may sound random. But I need you to kill Brandybuck.

_**Mikhail:**_ …who?

_**Ben:**_ Oh sorry! Pace! I need you to style Pace's hair!

_**Mikhail:**_ What? Why?

_**Ben:**_ Because it was much funkier in season 2..

_**Mikhail:**_ I'm sorry…what the hell??

_**Ben:**_ Just kill him then! It's an emotion yet depressing end to season 3 which will surely make viewers want to kill the writers. Those damn plot twisters!

_**Mikhail:**_ …ok then…

_**Ben:**_ And kill Bonnie and Greta too. It will make me seem more vicious and hard core. Plus I never liked them…

_**Mikhail:**_ -breathes-

_**Ben**_: You still there?

_**Mikhail:**_ Yes, it just makes the scene seem more tense and interesting when there's a pause.

_**Ben:**_ Riiiiiight. Ben OUT!

_**Alex:**_ (to Ben) Are we nearly there yet?

_**Ben:**_ Yes

_**Alex:**_ Really?

_**Ben:**_ No, I lied.

_**Alex:**_ Where are we going anyway?

_**Ben:**_ C&A, I've been dying for that new summer dress!

_**Alex:**_ You suck, you know that don't you?

_**Ben:**_ Yes. Yes, I do.

_**Alex:**_ Wanna know why?

_**Ben:**_ No. No I don't.

_**Alex:**_ You suck coz you treat my BF like crap!! You tried to hypnotise him!

_**Ben:**_ Fine! The truth… is I wanted him for myself…

_**Alex:**_ You sick SOB!

_**Ben:**_ That's it! You're going to live with Dr Jack and his merry band of nitwits!

_Jack and co are still hiking to the radio tower._

_**Sawyer:**_ -stops- I'm gonna go back.

_**Jack:**_ WHAT? Why?

_**Sawyer:**_ I left my beanie bear.

_**Jack:**_ Oh for crying out loud!

**N**

_**Kate:**_ He's right Jack. We can't leave a fellow beanie bear behind. I'll go with him.

_**Sawyer:**_ NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_**Kate:**_ What?! Whyyyyyy??

_**Sawyer:**_ He's MY beanie bear. MINE! You might steal him!

_**Kate:**_ Nuh-uh!

_**Juliet:**_ I'll go with him Jack.

_**Sawyer:**_ No one must steal Mr Snuggles!

_**Juliet:**_ I have my OWN beanie bear! Mrs Snuggle Puff 

_**Sawyer**_: oooooooooooooh!

_**Kate:**_ Bitch!

_**Jack:**_ Oh, whatever. I don't care. Go!

_Kate is in a huff as Sawyer turns to walk. Juliet holds back._

_**Juliet:**_ Jack?

_**Jack:**_ I'm free on Thursdays!

_Juliet kisses Jack._

_**Jack:**_ Wow! Stuff Kate! That was awesome!

_**Kate**_: Hey!

_**Jack:**_ haha, pwned!

_**Kate:**_ -glares at Juliet- Double bitch!

_**-Jack's flash. The hospital-**_

Jack is checking on a patient. Feminine nurse man enters.

_**Nurse man:**_ Doctor Jack?! What in hell y'all doin' here?

_**Jack: **_……I'm sorry, I don't speak ghetto.

_Jack gets slapped by feminine nurse man._

_**Nurse man: **_Yo' may be cute but yo' don't get to be rude, fooel!

_**Jack: **_Sorry…-sings-'_Sorry, I've heard it all before….and I…can't take it anymore-_

_-Gets slapped again-_

_**Nurse man: **_Shu'p! -_Looks at patient- _Jack, what ARE you doin' here?!

_**Jack: **_Checking on the patient I crushed when I jumped off the bridge, he's totally doomed…..

_**Nurse man: **_Honey, this ain't yo' mayan! Yo' man got moved to the paralyseé ward!

_**Jack: **__-STEPS BACK- Then who the hell?!_

_**Nurse man: **_Jack, this is Mrs NikkiAndPaulo'sStoryLinesHadNoPoint. She got flattened by a bulldozer this mornin'

_**Jack: **_Dude, she's toast!

_**Nurse man: **_Yup! But we like to still keep some hope.

_**Jack: **__-serious- _I Wanna perform the surgery….

_**Nurse man: **_You what, hun?

_**Jack: **_Nuthin'. Forget I said anything.

_**Nurse man: **_Hokay…..Now leave Jack.

_**Jack: **_No…

_**Nurse man: **_Leave

_**Jack: **_No…

_**Nurse man: **_Leave or I'll pop a cap in yo' ass fo' real west side, homie! ((copyright Harold Perrineau))

_**Jack: **__-Startled- _OK! But uh…tell me what happens here.

_**Nurse man: **_Sure ok.

_**Jack: **_Really? _–hopeful-_

_**Nurse man: **_Nah….

_**Jack: **_…..Fair enough. Goodbye.

_-Jack leaves room and walks down corridor to see a young boy staring at him-_

_**Jack: **_WHAT?! HAVE I GOT SOMETHING ON MY FACE OR SOMETHING?!?! WHAT?! FOR FUCKS SAKE, WHAT?!

_**-End flash-**_

_**J**_

_**Sawyer: **_So why'd you have us build that….._thing?_

_**Juliet: **_I like to see a man in a sweat.

_**Sawyer: **_Riiiight. So, you screwing Doctor Jack yet?

_**Juliet: **_You're such a perv. So where'd you leave your beanie bear?

_**Sawyer: **_I ain't got no beanie bear.

_**Juliet: **_what?! You dare insult the powers of beanie bear?!

_**Hurley: **__-Comes running- _Yo! Yo!

_**Sawyer: **__Oh great._

_**Hurley: **_You guys, Jack found a McDonalds not far from here! And he sent me to ask you what you dudes want!

_**Sawyer: **_Oooh! Do they have non-fat milkshakes?

_**Juliet: **_Can I have a double cheese burger with extra fries…..on top of fries!

_**Sawyer: **_Girl, you unhealthy.

_Locke is in the pit full of eerie skeletal bodies…dying.. _

_**Locke: **_Oh for fuck's sake! Ma legs have had it! Again! Darn! I hate life! I hate everything!

_**-shoots self-**_

Why am I still alive?!

_**-Shoots again-**_

_What the-? _

_**Walt: **_Stop that, John.

_**Locke: **_Wha?

_**Walt: **_I said stop it, n00b.

_**Locke: **_OMFG, WAAAALT?!

_**Michael: **__Hey, that's MY line!_

_**Locke: **_Line? _-shakes head and turns attention back to a frowning Walt-_

_**Walt: **_That's right, it's me _–is angry- _I Thought I told you not to open the hatch, bitch.

_-Locke fearful-_

_**L O S T**_

_(heh, part two of the finale coming soon)_


	3. Extended finale part 2

**THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS PARODY PART TWO!**

_The group are walking around McDonalds. Jack sees Kate._

_**Jack: **_I have to be honest with you, Kate. I'm not gonna get Sawyer his favourite cheese burger.

_**Kate: **_WHAT!? Why not?!

_**Jack: **_Because I love you, uh..I mean I love those cheese burgers….heh..

_**Kate: **_You're one evil man, Jack.

_**Jack: **_There's something else, Kate…..

_**Kate: **_Are you gonna tell me you're free on Thursdays, because Jack, frankly-I'm sick of that….

_**Jack: **_No no, not that. Kate, they're outta happy meals.

_**Kate: **_NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_**-Jack's Flash-The Car-**_

_Jack is in his crappy car moshing._

_**Jack: **_I feel good, do do do do do do, I knew that I would now. Do do do do do do….UGH! This song sucks…Life sucks…YOU suck…

_Jack attempts to call someone but no one picks up._

_**Jack: **_God damn it! Who has a phone and doesn't funking answer it! Oh…I forgot to dial…

_Jack gets out his car and walks in front of a car._

_**HONK!!!!!**_

_**Jack: **_Do you mind?? I iz walking!! ….Dumbass…

_Jack enters a room._

_**Nurse guy: **_DOCTOR JACK?

_**Jack:**_ GHETTO NURSE GUY?? What are you doing here!?

_**Nurse guy: **_I work here part time! Puts dinner on the table for da family!

_**Jack: **_You have a family?!?!?!?

_**Nurse Guy: **_Yeah, I'm married.

_**Jack: **_-blinks- Riiiiiiight…

_**Nurse Guy: **_Anyway, how can I help you Hot stuff?

_**Jack: **_Is the funeral over?

_**Nurse Guy: **_Uh yeah, whatever…Anyway no one came. Whoever's in that coffin must have been one sour grape!

_**Jack: **_No one?! That sucks ass!

_**Nurse Guy: **_Hell yeah! It sure does. What do you care anyway? You friend or family?

_**Jack:**_ Neither.

_**Nurse Guy: **_Then what are you doing here? Funeral crashing? 'Cause that's just sick, man!

_**Jack: **_No! I'm just…I'm so lonely… -sobs-

_**Nurse Guy: **_I see…Would you like me to open it up for ya'll to have a butchers?

_**Jack:**_ Hell no!

_**Nurse Guy: **_Hokay, well take yo' time Dr Jack. Homies fo' life! –leaves-

_**Jack: **_-approaches coffin- I need ma drugs! I don't even know who this sucker is! –downs pills- Screw this! I'm too cool for this shizz! –leaves-

_**END FLASH**_

_The group have given up with the crappy McDonalds and are STILL walking…_

_**Jack: **_Yo Danni!

_**Danielle: **_Jack, for the last time I don't care if you're free on Thursdays!!!

_**Jack: **_Damn….It usually works…

_**Kate: **_No it doesn't!!

_**Jack: **_-glares at Kate- Anyway, are we neeeeaaarly there yet??

_**Danielle: **_No, It's at least another 4815162342 minutes away..

_**Jack: **_-eery music- …..what?!

_**Danielle: **_I said it's at least another 4815162342 minutes away…

_**Jack: **_Ok, Just checking…So…when was the last time you went to this whacked up radio tower?

_**Danielle: **_Well funny story actually. Me and this guy got drunk! And-

_-Jack stares at Danielle-_

_**Danielle: **_-coughs- Not since I recorded the message…yeah…

_**Jack: **_lol, ok

_**Danielle: **_I'm taking you to the radio tower but I ain't leavin' you there.

_**Jack: **_Ah, can't bear the thought of leaving Doctor Jackie, can you? –grins and winks-

_**Kate:**_ OMFG BEN!?!?!?!?

_-Everyone stares at Ben-_

_**Danielle: **_omg…it's Alex…She wouldn't add me as her other half on Bebo… -glares-

_**Jack: **_I'll be your other half if you want. –grins and winks-

_**Danielle: **_-elbows Jack- Stop that!

_**Jack: **_-moans in pain- Yes ma'am.

_**Claire: **_Erm, anyway back to the, er…matter at hand…Who the hell's Ben?!

_**Jack: **_I'll tell you who Ben is…Ben….He…HE SAID HE'D CALL ME AND THEN NEVER DID!!!

_**Kate: **_Maybe it was the free on Thursday's thing?

_**Ben: **_Silence n00bs!!!! Omg you totally ruined the atmosphere -- Ok, start again…Ahem…Hello Jack…and all you other random people who's name's I can't be arsed to learn coz you're not important to the plotline and frankly who gives a damn…Ahem yes anyway…We need to talk…

_**Jack: **_ZOMG! –goes crazy and runs around in a circle like a chicken-

_One eye (aka, Mikhail –evils- who we hate VERY much!!!!!! ) is in the hatch._

_**Mikhail: -**_looks in mirror- God, I'm ugly…Oh how I wish I had 2 eyes…Like a normal person!! Oh…woe is me…-puts on eye patch-

_**Greta: **_WTF did Ben say…that ass hole…

_**Bonnie: **_Can we kill him??

_**Charlie: **_Dude's I'm right here!! Not cool! –shakes head-

_**Mikhail: **_So is it lyk, possible to turn this equipment off, aye??

_**Bonnie: **_Waaat?

_**Mikhail: **_Can you turn it off?! God are you deaf??

_**Bonnie: **_-quietly- …no…

_**Greta: **_Yes, Ben like totally gave us the code –feels special-

_**Mikhail: **_Ya'll the only ones who have it? Lol, I'm a nosy git…

_**Bonnie: **_Yes

_**Mikhail:**_ Yes, I'm a nosy git or yes, you're the only ones that know the code?

_**Greta: **_Both.

_**Mikhail: **_Fair enough…

_**Bonnie: **_Why?

_**Mikhail: **_Why am I a nosy git or why am I asking about the code?

_**Greta: **_Both.

_**Mikhail: **__Now_ who's being nosy…?

_**Greta:**_Shut up, One Eye!

_**Mikhail: **_Hey! –Quietly- …That hurt…

_**Bonnie: **_God you're such a baby! …For a guy with one eye…

_**Mikhail: **_Can we stop the hurtful comments about the eye! Please!

_**Charlie:**_Or lack there of…

_-Bonnie and Greta giggle while One Eye…I mean Mikhail glares-_

_**Mikhail: **_-coughs- Anyway, what were to happen if the hatch were to flood? Eh? EH??

_**Greta: **_Oh! OH! My turn to appear smart and say something! Ahem-

_**Bonnie: **_Nout, the casing for the equipment is waterproof.

_**Greta: **_Hey, the script says that's MY line!!

_**Charlie: **_Line?

_**Mikhail: **_Then why are you two down here if nothing will happen?

_**Bonnie: **_Coz Ben told us to!!

_**Mikhail: **_OMG! –Imitates- Ben this! Ben that! Holy Bejesus, why don't you just marry the guy??

_**Greta: **_Hey, leave Bonnie alone! You suck!

_**Mikhail: **_GAaAaAhhh!! YOU suck!!!

-One Eye pulls out a gun and shoots Greta who falls into the water-

_**Charlie: **_ZOMG! He killed Whatserface!

_**Bonnie:**_THEBASTARD!!! –Screams girlishly and runs-

_**Mikhail: **_GgGgAaAaAhHhHhH!!!! –Shoots Bonnie-

_**Bonnie: **_OH! YOU SOB!!!!111

_**Charlie: **_Um…I'm gonna sit here and not say anything in the hopes that he won't shoot me…

-Bonnie falls to the ground-

_**Bonnie: **_Please…please don't shoot. Please…please….pleaaaaase!

_**Mikhail: **_I'm sorry BonBon. I too am following orders!

_**Bonnie: **_In that case: Your eye creeps EVERYONE out and your breath smells REALLY bad!!

_**Mikhail: **_Ok, you asked for it-

_Suddenly Desmond appears from his hiding place_

_**Desmond:**_ HEY! –Shoots Mikhail-

_Mikhail falls to the ground. Desmond looks at Charlie and sighs._

_**Desmond: **_Man! Was all I could say 'HEY!'? I feel like I should have said something uber cool!

_**Charlie: **_Tough luck man. Tough luck…

_Desmond picks up the gun and points it at Bonnie._

_**Charlie: **_No, Des! Des! Don't. She's hot!

_**Desmond: **_Aye, true brutha. But I've always had a thing for brunette's to be honest...And besides, this one's a bit of a bitch...

_**Charlie: **_Ah, but it adds to her charm!

_**Bonnie: **_Ugh, I'm right here! –Struggles on floor-

_Meanwhile Jack and the rest of them lot are staring Ben down in what seems to be a 'stare down'_

_**Jack: **_You know, I'm gonna beat you!

_**Ben: **_Not likely! Have you seen the size of my eyes??

_**Alex: **_Guy's stop! Or someone's gonna get hurt!

_**Kate: **_She's right Jack! I don't want to see you get hurt.

_**Jack: **_Pffft, hurt my ass!

_**Kate: **_ Ok, no need to be rude…

_**Jack: **_No, I mean my ass hurts, someone's kicking it.

_**Alex: **_-Stops kicking- Oh…my bad…

_Kate senses that this won't end well and creeps off into the distance…possibly to buy another cheese burger…_

_Ben sees Naomi._

_**Ben: **_Hi, I'm Benjamin; I don't believe we've had the pleasure!

_**Jack: **_DON'T PERVE ON HER!!

_Kate comes back from behind Ben, eating a burger._

_**Jack: **_Is he alone?

_**Kate: **_-with her mouth full- No, he's with us…

_**Jack: **_-shakes head- Never mind. –steals a bit of Kate's burger-

_**Kate: **_Hey!

_**Jack: **_Thanks, Hun!

_**Ben: **_Ok, forget the stare down…I win…

_**Jack: **_NO WAY!!

_**Ben: **_I need to have a chat with you. –Brings Jack over and whispers in his ear so no one will hear-

_Jack laughs at whatever Ben is saying._

_**Jack: **_Oh yeah…yeah…ha, really?? She never!! I never knew that! What Kate? Nah…She- Is that so?? Pffft!

_**Kate: **_Jack? Jack? What's he saying?

_Jack ignores Kate and eventually pulls away from Ben._

_**Jack: **_-chuckling- Ah what a guy.

_**Kate: **_Were….were you talking about me??

_**Jack: **_Oh, you? Pffft, no. What gave you that idea?

_**Kate: **_You said my name…

_**Jack: **_Oh, sorry! Can't hear you, Kate! I have another uber cool flash-forward coming on….Ha! None of you have ever had one of them…

_FLASHFORWARD!!_

_Jack is at the chemist/pharmacy…whatever…!_

_**Pharmacist: **_I'm sorry, sir. We simply can't give you anymore drugs! Give other people a chance to get high and forget for one moment that they have a crappy life!

_**Jack: **_But, I'm selfish DAMNIT!! Are you sure you can't give me anymore drugs??

_**Random Guy: **_OMG!! IT'S THAT HERO FROM TV!! Can I have your autograph?!

_**Jack: **_For funk's sake all I want to do is get wasted on drugs!! Can't I even do that!! Charlie gets to!!!

_**Random Guy:**_ Who's Charlie?

_**Jack:**_ Oh, I err…don't…know… -shifty eyes-

_**Random Guy:**_ Lady, just give this guy his drugs! Then give me some!!

_Jack passes the Pharmacist another prescription in the hopes that he will be able to get his fix._

_**Pharmacist: **_Pfft, Dr Shephard. You can't write a prescription for yourself! That's just dumb!

_**Jack:**_ It's not me! It's another Dr Shephard! My Daddy!

_**Pharmacist: **_Ha, sure whatever! You have the same last name as your Dad! What do you think, I'm stupid?? Hey…wait a minute…

_**Jack: **_ZAAAAARG!! –Thumps fist on desk- Ahem…sorry, habit…

_**Pharmacist: **_Ok, either you calm down or I'm gonna have to call my good friend Ghetto nurse guy!

_**Jack: **_I know him too!

_**Pharmacist: **_Really?? OMG! What a coincidence!

_**Jack: **_Yeah, so will you give me my drugs??

_**Pharmacist: **_No.

_**Jack: **_Fine then! –turns around and walks away while knocking over a sunglasses rack- Ha…pwned. –Mutters-

_END FLASHFORWARD_

_Jack and Ben are walking together._

_**Jack: **_God, that flash-forward sucked! I was like a total junkie!

_**Ben: **_Ha! Yeah, I know. ROFLMAO.

_**Jack: **_Huh?

_**Ben: **_Nothing…lol

_**Jack: **_So….say what you're gonna say then…

_**Ben: **_Ok, basically you're all gonna die.

_**Jack: **_Ha, what's new? xD

_**Ben: **_No, seriously, Jack, honey.That Naomi chick…she's not who she says she is…

_**Jack: **_She's NOT an alien from Mars????

_**Ben: **_What?!

_**Jack: **_Ha, had ya going there for a sec!

_**Ben: **_Oh, you sly dog!

_**Jack: **_I know!!!–high fives-

_**Ben: **_But seriously Jack. Naomi is not who she says she is…

_**Jack: **_I know you've said that. Then we did the whole alien from Mars thing and high-fived, 'member? That was awesome!

_**Ben: **_Oh yeah, sorry got distracted…

_**Jack: **_So who is this Naomi woman then? A Hobbit from Lord of the Rings? OMG! That would be sooooo funny if we had someone on the island from Lord of the Rings! LOL!

_**Ben: **_Hahahahahha…yeah, No…she's a bad guy…

_**Jack: **_I thought that was YOU! I also thought she was a woman!

_**Ben: **_Yeah but you know when you call a woman 'guy' or 'dude' or 'man'? It's not actually calling them A guy or dude or man. But you gotta be careful how you use these otherwise you could end up calling them male when you're actually just using that word for no reason and just appearing cool!

_**Jack: **_-has hand to chin and nods- I have no idea what you're talking about…

_**Ben: **_Ok, never mind.Listen,if you phone her boat every single living person on this island will be killed!

_**Jack: **_Even Vincent??

_**Ben: **_Yes.

_**Jack: **_NOT VINCENT!!

_**Ben: **_I'm afraid so. So get her funky phone thing and give it to me! …It looks cool…

_**Jack: **_I ain't goin anywhere!HA! RINSED!

_Both men stand up_

_**Ben: **_You don't want to do this Jack…

_**Jack: **_Yes. Yes I do.

_They both stare at each other and music plays._

_**EVERYBODY WAS KUNG FOO FIGHTING!!!**_

_Jack and Ben start to dance strangely but amusingly. _

_**Jack: **_I am so gonna own your ass!

_**Ben: **_You wish!! –Dances harder-

_**Tom from walkie talkie: **_Ben? Ben are you there? Oh God, you're not doing the dance off again are you? Oh lord, no…

_**Ben: **_Aw man just as I was getting into it as well….Love God receiving you and er…there was no dancing going on…

_**Jack: **_Ha yeah maybe none from you!

_**Ben: **_-glares at Jack- Tom, what is it?

_**Tom: **_Um…you're supposed to say your line.

_**Jack: **_Line?

_**Ben: **_Lol.Hoh yeah! –seriously- Your plans killed 7 of my people Jack…damn you! But the ones you failed to kill are now holding your friends!

_**Jack: **_Crap damn it!!! Did Bernard go Rambo?? Is that what it was??

_Interference comes from the radio._

"_OMFG WE'RE BEING HELD AT GUNPOINT! IN THE NAME OF HAJAMA PLEASE HELP US!!"_

_**Ben: **_Nah nah nah nah nah. –is smug-

_**Jack: **_I am so snapping your neck! Hopefully it will make a little cracking noise…possibly like popcorn…

_**Ben: **_Tommy, unless you hear my voice in one minute shoot all 3 of them!! ….And then make me some popcorn!

_**Jack: **_DAMNIT!!

_**Ben: **_-looks at watch- Lets play countdown eh?

_Jack panics._

_**Ben: **_Get me the phone Jackie. The phoooooone!

_More panicking._

_**Ben: **_40 seconds…tick…tock.

_**Jack: **_I'M GONNA GET THEM ALL OFFA THIS ISLAND, ALL O' THEM…APART FROM THE PEOPLE THAT DIED…AND POSSIBLY BENARD…OH! AND SAWYER! BUT APART FROM THAT ALLA THEM!!

_**Ben: **_Uh-huh, Jack, I saw your flash-forward! Your life will suck! Why the heck do you want off the island?? Your ex-wife thinks you're a crazy stalker guy and your daddy's in the hospital in the sky! You just can't wait to go back to fixing things?? …Thanks again for fixing my back, buddy. 'Preciate it. Ooooh! 20 seconds. Get me the phone!

_**Jack: **_Naw man! Can't we just have another dance off??

_**Ben: **_10 seconds….Jack…get…phone…ha that reminds me of 'ET phone home.' God that movie was creepy! xD Anyway, you-phone-get-me.

_**Jack: **_N0o0o0o0!

_**Ben: **_5, 4, 3, 2, 1 dudun dudun dudududoo dooooo! –countdown theme-

_**Radio**__: BANG. BANG, BANG._

_**Jack: **_AGH! ……..Actually that wasn't so bad.

_**Ben: **_-blinks- Erm…er…my line: I'm so sorry Jack.

_**Jack: **_Meh. S'ok.

_**Ben: **_Um..you're supposed to be sad and angry and beating me up right now…

_**Jack: **_Really? Cool…So what's for dinner?

_Back in the looking glass station Greta is floating in the water; Bonnie is still hanging onto life by a thread, and Mikhail? Let's just say he's a git _

_**Charlie: **_-goes over to Bonnie- BONNIE!!!! What's the code pleasums?

_**Bonnie:**_ Go away you chav!!

_**Charlie: **_-gasps- I'm not a chav!!

_**Bonnie: **_Then why are you wearing that retarded baseball cap??

_Charlie notices the baseball cap and immediately takes it off and throws it away, where it lands on Greta in the water._

_**Charlie: **_What is the code?

_**Bonnie: **_I'll never tell you!

_**Charlie: **_WHAT IS THE CODE?!

_**Bonnie: **_You'll have to kill me!

_**Charlie: **_WHAT IS THE CODE!

_**Bonnie: **_Fine! Fine! I'll tell you!

_**Desmond: **_-is confused- Really? –hands Charlie money-

_**Charlie: **_I knew it –is smug as he takes money-

_**Bonnie: **_Yes, I can't stand to be asked the same question three times.

_**Charlie: **_Is that so…? Are you free on Thursdays?

_**Bonnie: **_Like I'd tell you.

_**Charlie: **_Are you free on Thursdays?

_**Bonnie: **_Bite me!

_**Charlie: **_-is annoyed- Do I really have to ask you one more time?

_**Desmond: **_This reminds me of some dumb movie I once watched….

_**Charlie: **_-sigh- Are you free on Thursdays?!

_**Bonnie: **_You suck!

_**Desmond: **_Aha! He asked you three times, you have to answer! RiNS3D!!1

_**Bonnie: **_No…he asked me twice. Then asked a new question so I didn't answer because it cancels out the previously asked questions in to a new line of questioning.

_**Desmond: **_….huh?

_**Bonnie: **_He asked me if I was free on Thursdays and before he asked the 3rd time he asked 'Do I really have to ask you a 3rd time?'

_**Charlie: **_Phooey. Foiled again by the hot blonde.

_**Desmond: **_Anyway, are you gonna tell us the code?

_**Bonnie: **_-blinks-

_**Charlie: **_Oh for crying out loud! Do we have to have another dance off? 'Cause I've already done that a million times with Jack.

_**Desmond: **_Aye, the man can really dance!

_**Bonnie: **_I've seen better.

_**Charlie: **_-blinks- Uh, Can you tell us the code NOW?!

_**Bonnie: **_Fine, fine. I might as well. I'm gonna die anyway.

_**Charlie: **_Squee!

_**Bonnie: **_Do you….like the beach boys?

_**Charlie: **_What?

_**Bonnie: **_Best band ever I think.

_**Charlie: **_Dude? The code!

_**Bonnie: **_Oh! Oh right. Well…The code is…4 8 15- Oh wait that's not it. What am I talking about, lol. Sorry I'm blonde…and close to death…

_**Charlie: **_Heh, same here. So just tell me!

_**Bonnie: **_ok well its: 5 5 1 4 76 92…Same as my pin number.

_**Desmond: **_-Scribbles down-

_**Charlie: **_You get all that?

_**Desmond: **_What? No, I was just drawing a stick picture. Look, brutha, it's you!! –shows Charlie picture and chuckles-

_**Charlie: **_-Puts hand to head and sighs- Desmond…That picture's utter horse crap.

_**Desmond: **_Is not! Just 'cause you cannie draw!

_**Bonnie: **_HELLO?! Dying woman here!

_**Charlie: **_Whoops! Totally forget there for a second!

_**Desmond: **_So what now?

_**Charlie: **_Well basically I stare into space knowing that my destiny awaits me while the scene changes.

_**Desmond: **_Scene?

_**Charlie: **_Shhh. –stares into space-

-_Jack and Ben walk back towards the rest of the group-_

_**Jack: **_Hey ya'll! –skips-

_**Ben: **_Why isn't he angry Godamnit!?

_**Jack: **_I love Ben- he's awesome!

_**Ben: **_…..GLARK!! –mutters to self- I know, what I can do to get him angry…Hey Jack; Your dancing sucks, no one cares if your free on Thursdays and NOBODY LOVES YOOOO!

_**Jack: **_….That motherHugger! GAHHHHH! –attacks Ben-

_Jack punches Ben several times._

_**Jack: **_Tie him up! –tear in eye- And just for the record who here loves me?!

_-Tumbleweed- _

_**Jack: **_Fair enough. –_mutters_- Note to self- Kill ALL living people.

_Jack wanders off as Kate follows him._

_**Alex: **_Daddy, are you alright? If you're not alright can I have the pony you bought me for my 17th birthday early?!

_Danielle wonders over to Alex and Ben. She then stares at Alex…quite creepily…_

_**Alex: **_What? Is there like a bug on my face or something?? OMG Ew! Get it off!

_Danielle continues to stare._

_**Ben: **_Oh for fricks sake. Alex…this is your mother –hides-

_**Alex: **_….Oh….My….God. I just thought you were just some creepy Bebo stalker!! M…Mummy?

_**Danielle: **_Well, yes I am a creepy Bebo stalker but…only at weekends…-smiles-

_**Alex: **_Holy hajama! This is just so emotional! Come here Ma! –hugs tightly-

_**Danielle: **_Yes, yes now help me tie this crazy fooel up! –looks at Ben with an evil smile-

_Jack sits down and takes his backpack off._

_**Kate: **_Ok, Jack. Tell me what happened. Or no more popcorn for you.

_**Jack: **_Damn you and your nosiness Kate! It's not important right now, aite?

_**Kate: **_Awww please?? What happened?

_**Jack: **_Ok…we…we had….a dance off.

_**Kate: **_Oh Jack! Not the dance offs!!

_**Jack: **_-begins to cry- Yup! –sniff- I couldn't help it! Kate, he said I couldn't dance, Kate. HE SAID I COULDN'T DAAAANCE!

_**Kate: **_Awwww! –gives hug- You can dance. Don't listen to him. You're the bestest dancer ever!

_**Jack: **_Yeah it was horrible! Oh and Jin, Sayid and the dentist are dead by the way.

_**Kate: **_Well…that's a bummer.

_**Jack: **_Sure is…

_-tumbleweed- _

_**Jack: **_Hey, where does that keep coming from?

_Sayid, Jin and Bernard are sitting in the sand._

_**Bernard: **__-muffled through gag- _Hey we're alive! It's a miracle. Maybe I'm Rambo afterall!! –gets shot- …or not. –falls over-

_In the distance Sawyer and Juliet are watching._

_**Sawyer: **_Ok, we can like totally take them! There's only 4 of em with only 3 guns.

_**Juliet: **_James, James, James. You're forgetting that all we've got is 2 people and NO guns. So yeah, we're screwed. Why did I even agree to come down here…and where's Hurley with my fries?!

_**Sawyer: **_Can you shut up about your fries for one second!! Jeez. Wait, what in Rambo is that noise?

_**Juliet: **_Wha?

_Hurley tumbles past in the Dharma van._

_**Hurley: **_WOOOO! I'M WAY MORE RAMBO THEN BERNARD!

_He runs over one of the Others._

_**Hurley: **_Phew that felt good.

_Sawyer runs over with a stick shutting the door of the van as Hurley opens it._

_**Sawyer: **_Stay in the bus, Hugo.

_**Hurley: **_Yeah, actually it's a van. A VAN!

_Sawyer picks up a gun._

_**Sawyer: **_Hehehehehehe! …Bingo!

_Sawyer points the gun at an Other while Sayid trips him up._

_**Sayid: **_Ah memories of my school days. Little Brian Davies did a lot of crying that day –chuckles to self-

_Tom tries to reach for the gun._

_**Tom: **_I'll show them. I'll show them all that I'M the Ramboist!! Hahaha, yeah. Then Juliet will realise what she missed out on!

_Juliet picks up gun._

_**Tom: **_…Oh…Bugger. Ok, ok, ok. I give up…

_**BANG**_

_**Sawyer: **_That's for taking the kid off the raft! Because of you Michael went crazy and shot Ana Lu Lu. You might not be able to tell but I'm scarred for life after that. Yeah that's right….scarred fo' life. –sniffs-

_**FLASHFORWARD**_

_Jack is trying to steal yet more drugs._

_**Jack: **_-Unlocks cupboard- Yes! Finally! Come to Mama…I uh mean…Daddy!

_Jack then walk out the room…doing some kind of dance but bumps into a desk and drops everything on the floor._

_**Jack: **_Oh, shizz!

_**Doctor: **_What are you doing Doctor Shephard?

_**Jack: **_Oh, please God tell me that isn't Ghetto Nurse Guy!

_**Doctor: **_no, I'm just an ordinary Doctor…with my ordinariness. Yeah…boring old me…never 'exciting' and 'fun' like Ghetto Nurse Guy…

_**Jack: **_Um…Ok…well I was just checking some charts and yeah –coughs- I wanted to see how the operation went.

_**Doctor: **_I left 3 messages on your voice mail, you didn't get them? I noticed you didn't reply either…Bet you would have replied to Ghetto Nurse Guy…

_**Jack: **_Um…er…-sweats- My phone's broken.

_**Doctor: **_Come into my office Jack, we need to have a talk.

_**Jack: **_But I already know about the birds and the bees!!

_**Doctor: **_Well you can't be too careful.

_**Jack: **_Look, if you got sumthin' to say to me, then say it to ma face right here, right now!

_**Doctor: **_Ok, so the man you landed on…he's totally paralysed.

_**Jack: **_Um…I know Ghetto Nurse Guy told me…

_**Doctor: **_Damn that Ghetto Nurse Guy! Everyone likes him more then me Godramnit! My life sucks…

_**Jack: **_….oh.

_**Doctor: **_Anyway, this guy wants to sue you.

_**Jack: **_What?! No way! It was an accident.

_**Doctor: **_Yes, we know that you 'accidently' jumped off that bridge and that you weren't trying to end your life despite it being obvious that you hate your life as much as mine.

_**Jack: **_Do you know how many years I've worked at this hospital!? Do you know ANYTHING about me?! Do you know what I've been through?!

_**Doctor: **_Peeyew! How much have you drank today, Dr Shephard?!

_**Jack: **_Oh piss off! Hey tell you what- get my Daddy down here! And see if he's more drunk then me! Woah, dude. Don't look at me like that! Wait, why are you floating? No! Don't split in half!!

_**Doctor: **_You are soooo drunk!

_**Jack: **_Yes, Mr Elf I am! Oh and for the record- YOU CANT HELP ME!!!

_**end flash forward**_

_Jack is STILL leading the group…God doesn't he like, do anything else??_

_**Walkie: **_Attention Others! Come in Others!

_**Jack: **_Agh! My butt's talking!! Oh wait…it's just the walkie talkie. Thank God.

_**Hurley: **_If you're listening I just wanted you to know that we kicked all your asses! Hell yeah!

_**Jack: **_…Hurley?!

_**Hurley: **_Jack?!

_**Jack: **_Hey yeah, by the way- funny story. When you spoke into the walkie talkie, it was in my back pocket, so I thought my butt was talking!! ROFLMAO, right??

_**Hurley: **_Haha…yeah…

_**Jack: **_So what's going on? Where the hell are you?

_**Hurley: **_omg, I'm like totally back at the beach! It's awesome. I came back to help Sawyer and Juliet and the dudes at the beach. I saved them!! –gloats-

_**Jack: **_So they're cool right? You know…as in not dead? Like Bernard-

_**Hurley: **_Bernard's dead?!

_**Bernard: **_I'M WHAT?! OMG NOO! GOD NO!

**Hurley: **I can't believe you're dead man!! That's like the worst thing ever.

_**Bernard: **_I know!! What am I gonna tell Rose!? Hey…wait a minute…I'm not dead…

_**Hurley: **_……………………Oh yeah.

_**Jack: **_Hurley? Bernard's not dead?

_**Hurley: **_Nope.

_**Jack: **_What about Jin and Sayid?

_**Hurley: **_OMG THEY'RE DEAD?!

_**Jack: **_Erm…you tell me?

_**Hurley: **_Okie doke. Jin, Sayid!? Are you dead?

_**Jin: **_Hajama.

_**Hurley:**_ Does that mean yes or no…?

_**Sayid: **_I'm not dead. At least I don't think so…-looks around nervously-

_**Jack: **_Wait, so…no one's dead?

_**Hurley: **_Nah not unless your dead…or…I'm dead…-is slightly confused-

_**Claire: **__-speaks through walkie talkie-_ Hurley? Is Charlie dead?

_**Hurley: **_Well I dunno. Probably but I dunno.

_**Claire: **_K.

_Back in the hatch Charlie and the usually drunk Scottish dude were covering up the bodies._

_**Charlie: **_Well…this is depressing.

_**Desmond: **_Aye, brutha. But not as depressing as Jack's last flash forward. I mean, God…

_**Charlie: **_Right, you get the diving gear so we can skedaddle (yay!) And I'll type in Bonnie's pin number…which I am also keeping for when we get off this island…haha.

_**Desmond: **_Okie doke, mate. But how do you know we're getting off this island.

_**Charlie: **_….you JUST ruined my optimism.

_**Desmond: **_Oh..

_**Charlie: **_By the way- anymore flashes?

_**Desmond: **_Nope!

_**Charlie: **_Awesome. Meet you back here in 5 then.

_**Desmond: **_Aye….wait, don't I say anything else?? Ok. Hows about this: Yes of course, see you!

_Charlie goes to type in the code._

_**Charlie: **_Okieeeeeeeeeeeeee then. Here we go…dundundundundundundundundundundund..ahem, where was I…oh yes!

_He types in the code._

_**Charlie: **_o0o0o0oh! There was a noise…that's good right? Why am I talking to myself?! Ah…so much for fate…I knew it was a bunch of lies! LIES I TELL YOU! No way would the writers kill ME off!

-silence-

_**Charlie: **_Oh that's right, there's no one here to say 'writers?' -- never mind….

-bleep bleep bleep bleep-

_**Charlie: **_Waat? Incoming transmission? –Presses button-

_**Penny on screen: **_Hello? Is this the online dating website thing? The one that lets us webcam with people?!

_**Charlie: **_Erm…no. This is an underwater hatch.

_**Penny: **_Oh…hahahahaha! How could I get mixed up?? XD

_**Charlie: **_I really…don't know.

_**Penny: **_Ah well this is as good as. Are you free on Thursdays?

_**Charlie: **_Erm, no. But Jack is!!

_**Penny: **_Jack, eh? Nice name…

_**Charlie: **_If you say so…I'm Charlie by the way.

_**Penny: **_And I'm Pit stop Penelope. Nice to meet you (I'm rich!)

_**Charlie: **_Penelope, eh? Hey, Desmond! Desmond!

_**Penny: **_Bloody hell! Did you just say Desmond?! He never returned after going out to buy some smokes…

_**Charlie: **_Yeah, Desmond's here. He's with me!

_**Penny: **_Is he ok??

_**Charlie: **_Totally! Better then me anyway! So, your boat-

_**Penny: **_Wha? What boat?

_**Charlie: **_Your boat. 80 miles off shore…haha yeah I memorised it. Naomi, Parachuters…More random words related to the subject!?

_**Penny: **_I'm not on a boat. And who the hell is Naomi??

-----

_**Desmond: **_Ay up…I hear footsteps…and they ain't mine! –stops walking- Oh wait…they were mine. Hahaha. –listens- Ohh, they're still there…OMFG! Mikhail's gone!!! PEAS AND RICE!! NOOOO CHARLIEEEE!!!

_Desmond runs over to the hatch._

_------_

_**Charlie: **_Not Penny's boat, eh? That's problematic…

_Knock knock_

_Mikhail is at the window. He sets off a grenade which breaks the glass and water comes flooding in._

_**Charlie: **_OH SHIT!!!

_Charlie runs towards the hatch door and shuts Desmond out, turning around to face his doom. _

_**Charlie: **_I immediately regret this decision!

_After a moment of thinking in ridiculously slow motion Charlie begins to write on his hand. He then holds his breath and puts it against the window in the hatch door._

The message on his hand read:

_**OH FOR FUNKS SAKE IT'S NOT EVEN PENNY'S BLOODY BOAT! I MIGHT HAVE KNOWN! I MEAN STUPID WRITERS! I'LL KILL THEM! I'LL KILL THEM ALL! Anyway fool, tell Claire and Aaron I love them. They rock my socks. And that Penny girl ain't bad either. Oh wait, don't tell Claire that last bit… Anyway farewell my friend. Do me one favour though- next time, save me, alright? Cheerio!**_

_**Love Charlieee xxx**_

Desmond spent 5 minutes looking through the window with a tear in his eye. Then as he turned around;

_**Desmond: **_AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

_**Charlie: **_AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

_**Desmond: **_Charlie, WTF???

_**Charlie: **_What?

_**Desmond: **_You're dead!

_**Charlie: **_I'm dead?! OMG NO! What am I gonna tell Claire!? Wait…..Do I seem transparent to you?

_**Desmond: **_Yeah…I can see what you had for breakfast!

_**Charlie: **_I'm a bloody ghost! Awesome! Hey, Watch this!

_Charlie walks right through Desmond._

_**Charlie: **_See, I'm fine! Although now I feel a little sick…

_**Desmond: **_Sea sick?

_**Charlie: **_See, now that ain't funny.

_**Desmond: **_I know Brutha. GIVE ME A HUG!

_Desmond hugs Charlie tightly._

_**Charlie: **_Wow…that was a bit…gay…

_**Desmond: **_Yeah…I'm just wondering how you are able to hug me yet walk through me…

_**Charlie: **_Yes, that is weird.

_Meanwhile….STILL WALKING!!_

_**Claire: **_God damn baby wants more invisible peanut butter and won't stop crying!

_**Naomi: **_Dayum! Sorry I ran out.

_**Claire: **_…Damn you.

_**Naomi: **_OMG!

_**Claire: **_What is it?

_**Naomi: **_What's your boyfriend's name?

_**Claire: **_Adam West?

_**Naomi: **_No, the other one!

_**Claire: **_William Shatner?

_**Naomi: **_NOOO! The one on the island! The pretty blonde, rockstar dude! From Manchester, like me!

_**Claire: **__-Is unsure-_ ….………Hurley?

_**Naomi: **_-sigh- I'm talking about the junkie.

_**Claire: **_Oh! The one who has the same annoying accent as you!

_**Naomi: **_Yes……

_**Claire: **_His name is Charlie, why do you wanna know? You're not his long lost relative or something are you?

_**Naomi: **_No, you're junkie boyfriend-

_**Claire: **_Ex junkie! He told me the stuff I found in his bag yesterday was baby food…

_**Naomi: **_Ok……I think I know why your baby is crying now…ANYWAY! Your boyfriend dude has just saved our lives!

_**Claire:**_ For realz? Squee! I knew I could rely on Simon!

_**Naomi: **_…Charlie.

_**Claire:**__ Yeah,_Whatever.

_**Naomi: **_JACK!! OMG, JACK!!

_**Jack: **_I've told you! Not today, THURSDAYS!!!!

_**Naomi: **_No, your friend bloody well did it!

_**Jack: **_Who?

_**Naomi: **_The rockstar!

_**Jack: **_Adam West?

_**Naomi: **_No, the junkie!

_**Jack: **_Ohhh, Simon.

_**Naomi: **_(--) CHARLIE!!

_**Jack: **_REALLY? WHERE!? I thought he'd be dead by now! The script said so!

_**Naomi: **_Script?

_**Jack: **_Is this joke becoming too repetitive?

_**Naomi: **_Look, the green light-

_**Jack: **_oooh, green is like my favourite colour.

_**Naomi: **_Are you gonna listen to me you sissy git?

_**Jack: **_-Blinks- _Psst Simon, she's talking to you._

_**Naomi: **_Do you want me to use it then?

_**Jack: **_kk

_**Naomi: **_Why do people say KK? It has the same amount of letters as 'OK'. I mean, it all just seems pretty pointless. Are they meaning to say 'OK OK' because in that case why don't they just say 'K'?

_**Jack: **_Just…don't question it, alright?

_**Naomi: **_-starts pressing random buttons-

-Danielle's message starts playing-

_**Danielle: **_Hey it's me!! I'm famous!! Wait, do I really sound like that on tape? God…

_**Naomi: **_What the heck?

_**Jack: **_It's Rousseau's message. It's still blocking the signal, DAMMIT! Oh well, we may as well just go back and confront our crappy pasts as usual, suckish.

_**Danielle: **_Are you dumb? It doesn't matter, we're here aren't we?

-The group turn around-

_**Jack: **_Hoh yeah:D

-Jack, Danielle and Naomi enter the tower-

_**Danielle: **_Man, I recorded this message 16 years ago! Time to delete!

_**Jack: **_Do it.

_**Naomi: **_Do what?

_**Jack: **_Whatever you have to do to get us the hell of this craphole island!

_**Naomi: **_Ohhh, yes of course! M'kay, let's have a look see.

Hmm, there's no signal, OMG WAIT!

_**Jack: **_what? WHAT?!

_**Naomi: **_Just kidding. There's still no glisten of hope to rejoice about…

_**Jack: **_Ok, I'm just finding you really annoying right now. For YOU I'm NOT free on Thursdays, oooooooooooooooookay?

_**Naomi: **_-Walks outside-

_**Jack: **_How rude, I was only kidding. The Jackster is free for anybody on Thursdays ;)

-They follow her-

_**Naomi: **_I'm getting something!

_**Jack: **_If it's a seizure I'm not dealing with it. Give me a freakin' break.

_**Kate: **_OmGosh! She's getting a signal! It's happening, we're gonna get off of this stinking hell hole!

_**Jack: **_We'll celebrate when we're at home. And don't worry, you're invited. EVERYBODY-PARTY AT MY HOUSE ONCE WE'RE RESCUED!

-Crowd cheers-

_**Ben: **_J…Jack!

_**Jack: **_No Ben, you're not invited. Mainly because I don't like you. But also because you smell like old people. Mainly the not liking of you thing though.

_**Ben: **_This isn't about the party Jack. (Though damn you, I'll have my own party and they'll be booze. Lots and lots of booze…)

_**Jack: **_Then what is this about? You're not gay are you? Because when I say I'm free on Thursdays for ANYBODY I don't actually MEAN just _Anybody._

_**Ben: **_No…It's about the 'Naomi's evil and you're all gonna die' thing.

_**Jack: **_Ben, we've been through this. We high-fived and then you 'pretended' to shoot my friends. You're a liar, a big fat stinking liar!

_**Ben: **_But I'm telling you the truth!

_**Jack: **_Liar, liar pants on fire!

_**Ben: **_Oh, darn you. DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!

_**Jack: **_Haha, there's no such thing!

_**Ben: **_I'm telling you, this is the end of the beginning!! Or is it the beginning of the end…? I forget..

_**Naomi: **_aha! I've gottit! I've gotta signal!

_**Ben: **_JACK, PLEASE!!

_**Jack: **_Ben, you HAVE to stop begging me! It's just getting pathetic!

_**Ben: **_BUT JACK-

_**Jack: **_OK FINE! I can always find room for old friends, Sunday alright?

-Everyone is interrupted as Naomi drops the radio phone and spits out blood-

_**Jack: **_ewwwwwwwwwwww!

-She falls to the ground revealing a knife in her back and John Locke in a position that very obviously suggests he was the one that threw it-

_**Locke: **__…….._My bad…..

_**Jack: **_-Stares at Locke- John, did you see who threw that knife??

_**Kate: **_Jack! It was so Locke! I saw him do it! Are you gonna beat him up, Jack?! Are you gonna break his neck, huh? HUH?!

_**Locke: **_Kate, remind me-you're next.

_**Jack: **_Oh my freakin' God Locke! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT!? I was only kidding when I excluded her from the Thursday thing!

_**Locke: **_I had to do it. It was her DESTINY!! A SACRAFICE THE ISLAND DEMANDED!!

_**Boone: **_That's a load of bull crap, John!

_**Locke: **_B…Boone?! I thought the writers killed you off!

_**Claire: **_Writers?

_**Boone: **_For starters, YES that FREAKIN' joke IS getting old! So will you CAN it!

_**Locke: **_Boy, death sure made you cranky.

_**Boone: **_Shut it, old man. You're a murderer and you never change your shirt.

_**Ana: **_I think it's hot.

_**Jack: **_ANA?!?!

_**Shannon: **_Just because YOU never change your shirt either, ew!! Ultra disgustingness!

_**Libby: **_Be nice, kids.

_**Jack: **_OMG, what is this?! Some terrible finale of a TV show that makes no sense and leaves us with MORE QUESTIONS?!?!

_**Kate: **_…..Are we being punk'd? Because I've seen that show and it's not funny at all. I watched this one episode where they kept spilling food on this poor woman. IN FACT, I saw a woman like her on the plane! It was such a coincidence!

_**Eko: **_Don't mistake coincidence for fate.

_**Locke**___Dude….de ja vu.

_**Random Guy : **_omg, this makes no sense, my brain can't take it no more! –brain explodes-

_**Ana: **_Pleasant…

_**Jack: **_Will everyone just shut the fuck up!! I'm trying to make sense of this! Now, who here's dead and who's not?

-Charlie and Desmond come floating up to the group in ghost form-

_**Charlie: **_Hey, everyone! Me and Des are dead!

_**Claire: **_N000000! NOT DESMOND!!!

_**Charlie: **_That would hurt if I could feel anything…

_**Jack: **_Hey hang on….I knew Charlie was supposed to be dead but the script said nothing about Desmond….??!

_**Boone: **_IF ONE PERSON SAYS "SCRIPT?!" I'M GONNA PULL THEIR FREAKIN' TONGUE OUT!

_**Locke: **_Does death make EVERYONE this cranky??

_**Ana: **_Yes –punches Locke-

**Desmond: **-floating around Jack- In answer to your question brutha…Either Charlie made me in to a ghost somehow or…I killed myself. I really don't remember…

_**Pilot: **_They're looking for us in the wrong place, they're looking for us in the WRONG PLAAACE!….

_**Jack: **_Oh no, not this guy. Shouldn't you be in Heroes, you know-as the fat cop who can read people's minds?!

_**Michael: **_WAAAALT?!?!?!

_**Kate: **_YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! WE JUST GOT RID OF THAT JERK!!

_**Michael: **_Have you seen ma boy?!?

_**Claire: **_No one EVER see's your freakin boy!

_**Locke: **_-From floor- Actually, I have! He's grown a little, I almost didn't recognise him!

_**Jack: **_I'm over my head here. And everybody knows it.

_**Libby: **_Peace be with you, children.

_**Shannon: **_This is one messed up finale.

_**Ana: **_wait, why are Charlie and Desmond ghosts….and we're not?

_**Charlie: **_Me and Des have unfinished business.

_**Shannon: **_Oh yeah, like what?

_**Charlie: **_We want the autograph of the guy from Heroes.

_**Desmond: **__-floating around pilot-_ Do the thing, do the thing! Read my mind! READ IT!!

_**Pilot: **_3000 MILES OFF COURSE, OH NOES!!!!!!!!!11one!!11

_**Claire: **_This is just getting ridiculous.

_**Danielle: **_Yes, just like the show in general.

_**Boone: **_-glares at everybody as if someone might say "show?!"-

_**Claire: **_I'm bored now, I wonder what's happening in Greys Anatomy?

_**Charlie: **_ooh! Claire! –floats over to Claire- Did you see what happened to George?!?! Poor guy.

_**Claire: **_Yeah, I feel so sorry for him.

_**Charlie: **_At least he's not dead.

_**Claire: **_YOU'RE DEAD?!?!

_**Sun: **_Why haven't the GODAMN writers of this fic given me any freakin' lines?!?!

_**Rose: **_I feel your pain.

_**Hurley: **_Yo dudes! –has loads of fries in his hands-

_**Jack: **_Hurley?! You went to McDonalds AGAIN?!

_**Hurley: **_Yeah, we went back 'cause Sawyer and Juliet weren't happy with what you ordered them.

_**Sawyer: **_You son of a bitch, Jack. You gave me a DOUBLE cheese burger. You know how fatty those things are?

_**Hurley: **_-sees Charlie- OMG MAN, YOU DIED?!?

_**Charlie: **_I know it sucks. :(

_**Desmond: **_-Floats around Hurley- Aye, we're both ghosts. Brutha!

_**Hurley: **_COOL! Why?

_**Charlie: **_Unfinished business.

_**Shannon: **_Hey, I had unfinished business too! With Sayid! Where is he anyway? He better not be with that slut Nadia!

_**Libby: **_Hurleykins! Your diet is ruined!

_**Hurley: **_Crap dammit, you're supposed to be dead.

_**Charlie: **_MOST of us are supposed to be dead.

_**Ana: **_Do you think they have a 'Liking Problem' with us?

_**Jack: **_Will you dead folk just shut the hell up!! Except you Dead-Ana, you free on Thursdays now you're dead?

_**Juliet: **_Hey Jack! I thought we had something special!

_**Jack: **_Well, **I ** have something special grins and winks

_**Eko: **_This is getting confusing.

_**Sun: **_Why don't they just end the fic already. Jin's not even here!

_**Jin: **_HAJAMA!

_**Sun: **_Wow, he just magically appeared. See how ridiculous this is getting!

_**Claire: **_I think I'm going insane.

_**Bonnie: **_Hey chumps!

_**Charlie: **_BONNIE!!

_**Bonnie: **_Oh, look at that. You were right. You DID die!

_**Charlie: **_Uh-huh! How've you been? You look great!

_**Bonnie: **_Oh you know-dead.

_**Charlie: **_Haha, yeah I DO know.

_**Claire: **_Ahem, WHO'S Bonnie?!

_**Charlie: **_Erm..some chick who tortured me right before I drowned.

_**Claire: **_Ohhhhh, that's why you look like crap.

_**Eko: **_Actually I think he always looked like that.

_**Bonnie: **__Actually_ there were TWO of us torturing him and he was hitting on me the entire time.

_**Charlie: **_I was NOT!!! ……You're hot when you're being a bitch.

_**Jack: **_Ok people, dead AND alive let's just get this over with before people start raising knives to their throats!

_**Sayid: **_This is wrong…

_**Shannon: **_SAYID! BABY!

_**Sayid: **_Hey, my woman's back! YAY! Oh and I brought Bernard with me btw.

_**-**_Bernard waves awkwardly-

_**Rose: **_I've been abused this ENTIRE fic! –runs and hugs Bernie-

_**Jack: **_Oh for frick's sake. Is that EVERYONE?! No one else is gonna come and bother us now?! Can we just get on with this?!

-The very big group stares at him, Charlie and Des randomly float in the air-

_**Jack: **_Excellent. Now-Let's-Get-RESCUUED!!

_**Ben: **_-snores- -suddenly wakes up- Huh? Oh yeah, you're making a mistake Jack, yaada yaada, yaada –falls back asleep-

_**Jack: **_Hmm…interesting..

-phone starts ringing-

-Jack screams like a girl-

_**Locke: **_Don't pick it up, Jack!

_**Boone: **_I said, cram it OLDIE!

_**Michael: **_-picks up phone- WAAALT?!? IS THAT YOU, BOI?!

_**Jack: **_Michael, you asshat! –snatches phone- Helllooo?

_**Locke: **_-stands and raises gun- I don't wanna shoot you, man. You're a good guy. I'm sure you wouldn't pretend to love me, get me to give you my kidney and then abandon me again like some useless, unloved toy that the parents decided to give away to some charity for sick kids.

_**Ben: **_-wakes up again- Someone's gonna shoot Jack? Ooh! Do it John! Kill the bastard!

_**Danielle: **_-thwacks him-

_**Jack: **_-breathes heavily- I can't leave it ringing John. I have OCD! If I don't answer it…the universe will implode.

_**Libby: **_What a load of phooey.

_**Boone: **_Just answer the damn phone, jackass!

_**Jack: **_Hurtful comments from the dead boy. Great. Locke's right, you really ARE a jerk now.

_**Charlie: **_Excuse me, Locke's NEVER right about anything! Remember back in season two when he convinced Des not to push the button and the sodding hatch imploded!

-everyone is too scared of Boone to say "Season two?!"-

_**Desmond: **_That's right, brutha! It blew all me clothes off!

_**Ana: **_Pleasant…wait…that's not a bad thing!

_**Claire: **_Can you hurry up, I wanna go home and watch Greys Anatomy.

_**Charlie: **_Oh, you know I can just set record on my teevo…

_**Bonnie: **_I Feel so unloved now….

_**Kate: **_people please! Hurley will you stop with the fries, you're making me hungry! Now show of hands, who wants off this island.

-a lot of hands are raised-

_**Random woman: **_I want off the island but I don't want Jack to answer the phone because of what the messed up bloody dude said. Can you be more specific?

_**Kate: **__-points-_ YOU-shut up. Jack-answer the damn phone!

_**Jack: **_okay!

_**Boone: **_Guess we know who wears the pants in that relationship

_**Sawyer: **_hey! They HAVE no relationship! It's me and Kate all the way.

_**Shannon: **_REALLY?! Since when?!

_**Sawyer: **_I'd say late season two.

_**Desmond: **_Wasn't it early season three?

_**Eko: **_Everybody, I'm having an ipiffany! God will save us all!

_**Juliet: **_Hey! Everybody! There are no seasons, no epiphany's and no God!

_**Charlie: **_Take that back or me and Mr. Eko will whoop your arse.

_**Michael: **_It's 'Whoop Yo' Ass' and WAALT?!

_**Mr. Eko: **_Charlie?! I didn't see you there buddy, hey!

_**Charlie: **_Nah, seeing as I'm see-Through.

_**Jack: **_Can I answer the phone yet PLEAASE?!

_**Mr. Eko: **_This is not the way…

_**Jack: **_Screw your way! I wanna answer it!!

-finally answers phone, everybody holds their breath-the moment is tense and worrying-

………………………………………………………

………………………………..

…………………….

…………..

_**Radio phone: **_Hello, this is Dominos. May I take your order please?

_**Jack: **_OOH! OK!

_**Kate: **_Erm…Jack? We want rescue. Not pizza.

_**Sun: **_Actually Hurley and I wouldn't mind a slice of pepperoni-

_**Jin: **_RESCUE HAJAMA!!

_**Sun: **_Okay fine. (

_**Jack: **_!?!?"$"$&"&!&"!!!?!

_**Juliet: **_Calm down Jack. Remember the breathing exercises we learnt!

_**Radio phone: **_Hello? Any survivors of a terrible plane crash stranded on some mysterious island with creepy Others, a strange monster and a golden retriever?

_**Jack: **_Hmmm…Well Vincent's not a retriever, he's a lab. _–speaks in to radio-_ Nope sorry, Apologies for wasting your time.

_**Radio phone: **_Hello, who is this?

_**Jack: **_I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. And you?

_**Kate: **_How many times do I have to tell you Jack, you ain't no pirate.

_**Hurley: **_I wish he was a pirate…that would be cool..

_**Kate: **_Shut up, you ain't even supposed to be here!

_**Hurley: **_Well, nor is Ana! Or Charlie, or Eko or-

_**Kate: **_Ok, you've made your point…

_**Radio: **_This is Hiro Nakamura and I have a message for you..

_**Jack: **_You do? Oh goodie!

_**Radio: **_Save the cheerleader save the woooooorld:3

_**Charlie: **_I thought it was save the Junkie save the world..?

_**Claire: **_Hey, that's right!

_**Radio: **_No no, this was a catchphrase ACTUALLY mentioned in the show and not made up by crazy fangirls.

_**Kate: **_SAVE THE JUNKIE SAVE THE WORLD! 3

_**Radio: **_…See?

_**Charlie: **_Fair enough..

_**Jack: **_Look, can you get us off this island or not? We're kinda lost, here.

_**Radio: **_Sure, where are you?

_**Jack: **_…If I knew that I wouldn't be lost would I?!

_**Radio: **_That IS true…

_**Jack: **_Can you get a fix on our location??

_**Radio: **_Guess so, lemmie finish this episode of Scrubs first.

_**Jack: **_Do we have to? There are a lot of us desperate to get off this island. Sun is already packing everything but the kitchen sink…oh wait, the sink's going too.

_**Ana: **_Great, so y'all are being rescued while we stay dead!

_**Desmond: **_Kinda yeah.

_**Charlie: **_Nah mate, your dead too, remember?

_**Desmond: **_Aw crap! Can…can dead people still…do…_stuff_?

_**Charlie: **_Like what?

_**Desmond: **_You know…

_**Charlie: **_Oh….OH!

_**Desmond: **_Yeah I mean baking muffins is my hobby! I'd be gutted if ghosts couldn't do that!

_**Jack: **_WE'RE FINALLY GETTING OFF THIS GODFORSAKEN ISLAAAND!

_**Flashforward**_

_Jack's apartment is a crappy mess. He is slumped against the wall being his ordinary 'OMFG, MY LIFE SUCKS /3' emo self._

_**Jack**__How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes. Got lost in the_- Aw Simple plan will never beat MCR!!!

He continuously flips open his phone and closes it again.

_**Jack: **_Hey this is kinda fun. –Breaks phone- …Ah…

He takes a swig of alcohol…how surprising.

_**Jack: **_Maybe I should call Kate, see if she's free this Thursday…UGH Thursday sucks now! Everyday sucks! GRAAAAWR!

Jack begins to dial.

_**Jack: **_I like the beeping noise it makes…

_**Ring ring ring ring**_

_**Jack:**_ Oh, hello. It's me. I'm assuming that you'll know who 'Me' is even though it could be anyone saying 'Hey, it's me.' when they call you, I dunno. Hey, wait- DON'T HANG UP! I just need to see you alright? Please? You know where…oh wait, you don't? Meh, you'll figure it out. Cool, thanks bbz, see you soon! Bai!

It is dark and Jack is driving his car. He parks it just as another car is approaching. He gets out the car to meet the other person who is...OMG KATE!

_**Kate: **_You look….awful...

_**Jack: **_Oh yeah well you look…Aw damn it, you look hot! As always bbz, love ya xxx

_**Kate: **_Jack, it's not Thursday anymore. And it never will be…

_**Jack: **_What? It's Thursday every wee- Oh….I see.

_**Kate: **_Why did you call me, Jack?

_**Jack: **_………………………….Booty call? Besides, Juliet didn't answer…I think she might have been in the coffin.

Jack gives her a piece of paper.

_**Jack: **_I was hoping that maybe you'd heard and you might have gone to the funeral.

_**Kate: **_Pfft, why would I go to the funeral? We're not even sure whose it was!

_**Jack: **_Sometimes going to random people's funerals makes me feel better inside…

_**Kate: **_…You're demented.

_**Jack: **_I've been flying a lot.

_**Kate: **_Yep, demented. Wait, YOU CAN FLY??

_**Jack: **_If I said yes, would you be my friend?

_**Kate: **_…No.

_**Jack: **_I meant I used those golden passes they gave us. It's weird coz you'd have thought we'd never want to SEE a plane again never mind fly on one, but they gave us these passes…and…I can't resist something if it's free or been reduced…It's why I have 5 summer dresses at home.

_**Kate: **_DE-MEN-TED

_**Jack: **_I guess I just want the plane to crash, Kate.

_**Kate: **_That wasn't demented.

_**Jack: **_Really?

_**Kate: **_COURSE IT WAS!! You are definitely insane…and hairy. I mean, ew.

_**Jack: **_We have to go back! We made a mistake.

_**Kate: **_I have to go, he'll be wondering where I am.

_**Jack: **_Wait, I have to say more stuff about this subject that no one knows is about. Damn it Kate! Now no one cares that I wanna crash again and they're more concerned about who this 'HE' is!

_**Kate: **_You mean Simon?

_**Jack: **_………………………..We were not supposed to leave.

_**Kate: **_We weren't?

_**Jack: **_No! This is what I'm talking about!

_**Kate: **_Well let's go back then!

_**Jack: **_Really?

_**Kate: **_Er, NO! Excuse me, I'm going to go home and watch Grey's Anatomy.

_**Jack: **_THAT'S ON NOW!?

_**Kate: **_Yes, and thanks to you I've missed half of it.

_**Jack: **_Well go, GO! Quick! See what McDreamy's up to! OMG, I can't believe I'm missing it!!11ONE!!1

_**Kate: **_Goodbye Jack.

_**Jack: **_Yeah, yeah. Yada yada. BYE!

Jack and Kate return to their cars and Jack lets out a huge sigh.

_**Ghetto Nurse Guy: **_-From back seat of the car- Never mind Jack, you still got me. –Cheesy grin-

_**Jack: **_This is gonna be a long ride home…

_**LOST**_

_**THE END**_

_(We hope you enjoyed this ridiculous nonsense and that you may fin__d it in your hearts to make a lil' review on what you thought.)_


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